I would like to start off by saying that every state is different, as well as every case worker, and every case. There may be things that happened during our case that will not happen for yours and vice versa. What you will have in common is the invasiveness and the overall drama. It will knock you right on your ass and you'll question everything about it the entire time you're in the thick of it. But I promise that it can't last forever and in the end it's worth it.
"Kinship care is the full time care, nurturing and protection of children by relatives, members of their tribes or clans, godparents, stepparents, or any adult who has a kinship bond with a child. This definition is designed to be inclusive and respectful of cultural values and ties of affection. It allows a child to grow to adulthood in a family environment." Source
Now that we all know what kinship care is, let's move on to what to expect. I can't take you through the procedure too much because cases and states differ but I can take you through what you might go through during the process.
But I can give you this which is probably very similar in most states.
Go to the Court Dates
Depending on what state you're in, you should be able to sit in on the court hearings and gather facts from there. The case workers can't tell you anything and 9/10 times the parents won't tell you the truth. Your best source of information is to be in the court room from the first hearing to the last hearing. This also ensures that you are not doing things you're not supposed to and risk the child being removed from your care as well.
Court dates are also a great time to speak with your case worker and ask questions. I liked to do this occasionally at court dates because they're face to face and I could get an immediate response rather than wait for them to have a minute to email me back.
Your Relationship is Probably Going to get Rocky
If you're following the rules, it's going to get dicey between you and the birth parents. They often feel as though because they know you personally you should just listen to them when they tell you they can take off with the kids, be unsupervised, or come spend the night. They cannot unless otherwise stated by a caseworker or the judge. You will end up having to choose between your relationship with the biological parents and the safety of the child. I don't need to tell you which you should choose.
Depending on the circumstances for the removal of the children, you might actually begin to look at them in a different light as well. Maybe you can't believe they would behave this way and you can't have them in your life because of it. It's common and understandable depending on the circumstances of the case.
Something I wasn't fully prepared for was how it changed my relationship with other people in my family. There are going to be people who don't believe you should have taken the kids or that you should just "give them back". Don't pay them any mind. If they can't see that you're doing what's best for the children then you don't want them around you anyway. Or at least that's the way I look at it.
Also be prepared for jealousy to arise from your grown children if these are your grandchildren. When we got Maggie I was no longer her grandma, I was her care giver. I was now responsible for her well being in every way that a mother would be. This caused quite a bit of tension between us and one of our older children. They felt that we were choosing the baby over them, and we were. Because a baby did not choose to be born to this situation. I will always choose the health/well-being/safety of a child over an adults feelings. My grandparents raised my siblings and myself as well, I know that my aunts and uncles were jealous that we were given more of their time and attention because we did not have parents that could choose us over themselves.
Visit Days are Going to be Draining
Visits can be any length of time really. It just depends on your case. The minimum in my state is an hour a week, or four hours a month. All four hours can be together or they can be split up. It doesn't matter. Sibling visits are also important. In our case we met with Maggie's three other siblings (same father, different mothers) a few times. If the children are not within the same home and come from the same mother, usually there is a sibling visit once a week or four hours a month. If all the children are meeting with mom at once, that is considered a sibling visit.
Visit days were my most hated days next to court. It was always stressful and always a surprise as to what would happen. I felt like I was on my guard at all times. We began out in the public at the park near our home. Neutral territory. Then it got cold and we began going to a local diner. Then we decided to move it into my home. The visits themselves weren't the issue of course. It was the thought that because I was her parent that I should let her see her at will instead of having a set schedule. I did not agree to this and unless you want your life uprooted, I don't advise you to agree to "whenever" visits either. A schedule is important for keeping parents accountable and also for children.
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| Waiting for visit time |
In April of 22 we had a blow up and I requested that visits be supervised in the agency building. The days got more stressful after that. Now I was hauling her 30 minutes away to a visit location instead of getting her up and letting her piddle around the house until they arrived. I could have had someone transport her, but having done the job before I knew that if I transported it was going to be easier for the agency to fit the visit in at a decent time. I also didn't trust other people with her after working with some of the people doing the same job I'd done. Now I was on my guard from the time I left the house to the time I arrived back home. I would arrive early after stopping at Hardees and grabbing us some breakfast, I did not want to be in a position for them to catch me outside as I didn't know what they were capable of and I wasn't putting myself in that position for confrontation or anything more nefarious. The same was the case for leaving after the visit. I hung back and watched their car leave before I walked out the doors. I would take my time organizing her bag and checking her diaper. I would also speak with the supervisor (who was so sweet and bonded with Maggie and I appreciated that more than she knows).
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| Waiting for visit time |
Visits continue through out the case until such a time that the child returns to their parents (reunification) or rights are terminated for the parents, at which time the child will be available for adoption in the majority of cases.
Don't Lie to Your Caseworker
Never lie to your caseworker. Don't protect the parent. Don't tell them visits are going well if they're not. Don't leave out things children disclose to you once in your care. Don't leave out things the parents might disclose to you during visits or if you're just around them in general (say holidays for example). The more you communicate with your caseworker the better they can assist you, the child, and the parent. But they have to know the truth.
Say you're supervising and mom sits on her phone most of the time texting dad who is waiting in the car because he doesn't want to be there in the first place, if you leave that out and just talk about the five minutes mom took pictures of the child, that's not hurting anyone but the child. Your visit notes are important to the case and important to the court. They tell how the parents are interacting with the child and how they're progressing, they can also tell what services they might need to offer. Like a more in depth parenting class or maybe some kind of parenting coach to teach mom what she should do in certain situations.
If you hear something through the grape vine and you're not sure if it's true but you know it's not right, you tell your worker. End of story. They'll get to the bottom of it being true or not.
All Caseworkers are not Created Equal
I feel like we really hit the jackpot when it came to our workers. We had three different ones through the 18 months before termination of rights for Maggie. They were all helpful and on top of shit. Our last caseworker also took on Walter and we were so happy about that because she was fantastic.
There are other caseworkers that are burnt out and overworked and just not doing the job the correct way. There are also new caseworkers that are still learning how to deal with certain situations. Please give them all some grace. Their work load is insane. I know it's all frustrating as hell. Especially when they don't answer your emails in a timely manner. If you haven't heard from them in 48hrs, give them a call, if you still can't get a hold of them, it's time to loop in the supervisor. Call the agency and they should be able to give you that information.
But give them grace. What they see and deal with on a daily basis would give me nightmares.
Join Foster Parent FaceBook Groups
I learned quite a bit just from watching what others post. I also joined Kinship Care groups. You don't know how not alone you actually are in this until you start watching people post about the same things you're going through. I would not advise giving out specific details of your case, but getting support when you don't know where to turn is quite helpful.
Prudent Parenting Rules
Every state is going to be different when it comes to these rules so absolutely ask in those FaceBook groups if they can give you this information, you might also be able to get it from your caseworker. I'm a researcher, so I just googled it for my state.
I think it's important that you treat the child as though they're your own.
Please check with the caseworker before posting children in care on any social media sites, this could be an issue depending on the case. We even took Maggie with us to Disney World right after rights were terminated, without an issue. We had had it planned long before that though.
You'll Be Asked About Permanency Often
At the first court date I was asked if we were intending on being a permanent home for Maggie. I did not hesitate to say yes. She's our granddaughter we would never give her up to strangers. Be thinking about if reunification ends up not being able to happen. There are so many reasons it could lead to termination instead and they're going to want the children with permanent placements and not someone who's only in it for a short time. It's better for the child to not be bounced around. So consider that right off the bat. Chances are you'll be asked that question every six months for your review.
I think this post is getting long enough. I could give tips and talk about our story all day. The whole thing was a trying time and to know it's over now is such a weight lifted off our shoulders.
Good luck and I hope it all works out the way it's supposed to.
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