Ladies, moms, friends, I have been a mom for 21 years and I think that makes me a bit of a veteran when it comes to parenting and mumming in general. No one knows everything obviously and no one's advice or opinion should come before your mom intuition. But I can tell you that you're probably making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.
Telling Your Child "No"
I'm just going to dive in the deep end here.
Telling your child no, disciplining them when they get out of hand, or basically parenting them in general, is not going to make them hate you. It's not going to cause them to not speak to you when they're an adult because you put them in time out for being a demon child and throwing a massive tantrum in Target.
No is a perfectly acceptable word. They're going to hear it millions of times throughout their lives. They're not going to get chosen for a team, they're not going to chosen for a job, a girl/guy is going to reject them, a friend is going to tell them no at some point. The first person your child hears no from should not be an outside source. It should be you.
Children need some kind of consequence for their actions, it can't always be natural. Sometimes the consequence for doing something they're not suppose to is going to have to be distributed by their parents.
Remember you're raising humans that someone else is going to have to deal with one day. They should be able to hear "no" and be OK with it. Or at least know that it's not the end of the world.
They're Not Your Friends
It's hard making friends as an adult. It's even harder making friends as a mom. But you know what's harder still? Keeping the friendships you had before you got pregnant. That's hard. I've seen so many women complain that they feel left behind by their childless friends because they can no longer just drop everything and run off to do something fun. Their Friday nights aren't spent drinking wine in a nice restaurant or going to concerts, they're spending their Fridays watching Mickey Mouse and trying to scrub baby puke out of the couch.
You are a different person with different priorities (or you should be) when you have a kid. That's just how it is. And some of your friends aren't going to be able to understand that or they're not going to want to deal with it.
Let those friendships go. If you're constantly getting left out of things because you have to find a sitter, if you're unable to relate to anything they're saying/doing/experiencing anymore because your life is different, let that relationship go. Maybe you'll find your way back to each other when/if they have a kid of their own or their life path takes them down a road you're on also, but right now trying to make a friendship work when you're on two completely different paths is just going to make both of you bitter towards each other. Let them go. Live your life, maybe check in once in a while, but don't try to force it.
Take Your Kids on Vacation with You
I know better than most that taking kids on vacation can be a chore. It's a lot of planning and prep work and making sure you're doing something they'll enjoy too. But take them. I promise you it's worth it. I promise you that the more you do it, the easier it becomes. You learn what your children like and dislike about road trips or flying. You learn what works for you and how to make your travel time more enjoyable.
Don't go on vacation expecting them to behave differently or for their schedules to change because you're in a different place. Work with them! Maggie and Walter are both very schedule driven kids. It's nothing I did, I just followed their cues. No later 6:30pm they're ready for baths and a snack before bed, which comes no later than 8:00pm. So on a road trip we will start looking for a hotel for the night around 6:00pm. Don't make yourselves miserable by trying to push it another hour. Just follow what you'd usually do at home.
When I was growing up we went all over the US in our grandparents motorhome. We even took a big van to Canada and California. I cherish those memories with them. I can look back and remember how fun it was and how we all love traveling because of them.
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| Trip to California 1997 at the Arizona Flintstone Campground |
There will be hiccups. There will be fits. Someone is going to throw up. Just remember you're making memories and try to enjoy yourself!
Never Say Never
My favorite part about TikTok is the childless folks and their "my kid will never" statements. Because as all of us moms know, the best parents are the ones without kids or child rearing experience, right? They have all the answers and know absolutely everything. Kind of like teenagers.
As soon as you start saying "never" here comes your kid, nevering like no one has ever nevered before. Because they do not care about your "never". They're kids.
Your Kid is not Better Because he/she can't Work an iPad
I get so tired of the screen time debate. Who cares if your kid doesn't watch TV? You don't get a prize for that. No one cares but you that your kid doesn't know who Bluey is. Well, maybe other parents that are also trying to convince people that they're wrong for letting their kids watch TV but that's about it. Y'all are in a group on your own. Because us TV watchers, could not care less.
And just to give you a little perspective, I watched (and still watch) a ton of TV growing up. I still enjoy picking up a book (I brought one with me in my bag to restaurants as a kid). My oldest son (21 years) loved watching movies and cartoons growing up, dude was also the most outdoorsy kid I've ever met. He spent the majority of his pre-teen/teen years down by the river fishing and building little buildings to hang out in. But he also likes to sit down and binge watch Supernatural on Netflix. A kid can like Bluey and being outside too.
You're not special because you're a screen free house. And furthermore, you're not really a screen free house or you wouldn't be able to tell me I'm a shitty parent for letting my kid watch TV, because you wouldn't have a phone. Shocking. I know.
Stop trying to make yourself more important than you are. You're making a choice for your kids like I've made a choice for mine. Neither is better than the other.
Car Seat Safety is not Mom Shaming
Seeing someone is using their car seat improperly or it's installed wrong, is not mom shaming. It's educating. Now there's plenty of ways to go about this. You can simply say "hey, I don't know if you know this, I certainly didn't with my first, but *insert thing that's wrong*". I've seen so many videos of moms saying "Oh my gosh I had no idea I'm going to change that right now!"
Point them toward a CPST (Carseat Passenger Safety Technician) account. Always. If the person isn't a CPST and they're telling you something isn't correct, find a CPST account to ask. Or, check for a local CPST.
Everyone just wants the babies to be safe. Lord knows no one wants to read about how someone didn't click their Evenflo 360 into place and got in an accident with their kid in the car.
Make Time for Your Relationship
I'm a firm believer that kids come before adults in a family. My children's needs will always be met before mine. But it's important to make time for each other as well.
I had a pediatrician ask me at every appointment how often myself and my husband were getting date nights and stressed that it was important to get time alone. Back then, I had a grandma that would take the kids whenever I needed a break and keep them for the whole weekend. It was a lot easier to get a date night then. I don't have anyone to watch Maggie and Walter. My grandmother isn't comfortable caring for small kids anymore and everyone else is busy with their own lives.
So we do date nights with the kids. Nothing fancy, the last time we did it we went shopping and then to a local pizza place for dinner. It wasn't candle light and romance, but it was enjoyable and we had a good time.
Remember that when your kids are teenagers and are off doing their own thing you and your spouse will be alone a lot more. My husband and I were just about there before Maggie came along.
Take the time for each other. Even if it's just an hour after the kids are in bed to watch a show together.
It's important. You'll be glad you did later.
Don't Be Afraid of Your Teenager Not Liking You
Our pediatrician once told me that "If your kid doesn't like you sometimes, you're probably doing something right." And I've stuck with that mentality. It's not my job to be my child's friend, it's my job to ensure they grow into decent humans.
I don't care if my kids don't like that I check their devices. I don't care if they hate me while they're grounded and tell their friends I'm horrible. I don't care because they'll understand why I set rules and boundaries for them when they're adults with their own children. That's how that works.
You doing drugs and drinking with your kid doesn't make you cool, it makes you a CPS case that hasn't been filed yet. You not checking their devices and not knowing any of their friends or where they're going, makes you more likely to be on my news feed asking for information on their whereabouts.
Be OK with being the mean mom. Be their friend when they're adults.
Teenagers are going to be sneaky. They're going to push the limits just like they did as toddlers. But just like when they're toddlers they need boundaries and consequences.
Those are just a few things I've learned over the last 21 years of being a parent. Some of them might be things you disagree with, that's totally fine! But since there seem to be so many moms out there working themselves into a tizzy because someone on the internet said they're going to traumatize their child and they'll hate them if they do some of this stuff (or don't), I thought I'd share my two cents.
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